Altered Images
by unfunnydude
Summary: A trip down to the lower decks of the Crimson Short one leads the Red Dwarf posse into another bizarre adventure.


Disclaimer: Obviously the Red Dwarf and her doughty crew are the property and copyright of creator's Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. This story is written in tribute to the show, no infringement intended. All scenes and dialogue contained herein, and any characters not portrayed in the series, are my own work.

Introduction: I originally submitted this story as a work in progress to the Official Red Dwarf Fan Club about three months ago, in the hope that someone might give me some opinions. Since I have heard nothing from them since, I thought I would try posting it here; please feel free to pass comment, as I really would like some feedback.

This is rather a long piece, part one currently weighs in around 10,000 words, and is still unfinished. So, to make it a little more manageable to read, I'll post it in smaller chunks. Let me know if you are interested in seeing more.

RED DWARF

ALTERED IMAGES

By Andy Nixon

(Historical note: This story takes place some time during series four, but before Legion gives Rimmer his hard light drive.)

***

    The Cat strolled into the 'Xpress Lifts' luxury vertical personnel relocator as if he was walking on stage to receive the 'Most Beautiful Creature in the Universe' prize for the ninth year running, spreading his arms out wide to receive the well-deserved adulation of the crowd.

"Yeeeeeaaaaoooooooooowww!' he sizzled, greeting his adoring fans, 'Okaaaaaaaay, I'm here, you can start the party!" He made a great show out of ignoring Rimmer, who was looking at him as if he wasn't even slightly gorgeous, and slinked over to the other side of the cabin to investigate a strangely interesting shape behind the row of 'comfy' chairs.

    "Oh, it's you!" he exclaimed as, once he got closer, he realized that it was only Lister. The monkey was crouched down behind the chair at the far end of the row, so the Cat gracefully rested one knee on the centre seat and leant on the backrest to look over it. "Watcha doin' down there Budski?" he enquired. Lister looked up from the exposed circuitry he was fiddling with and grinned in greeting. "Hey Cat, glad you could make it!" He indicated the open panel before him and continued, '"I'm just making a few minor modifications to the elevator's inbuilt passenger pacification program. I mean, after the last time I swore I would never sit through another lift safety lecture again, or watch one of those smeg-awful movies they show in these things."

    He returned his attention to the heavily vandalized control systems and lifted a small chip from a recessed area of the board. "I got Holly to show me how to rig this thing so I can program in my own entertainment selections." The Cat watched with interest as Lister tapped a couple of small buttons then inserted the chip into a different slot that slid open in response. "It's wicked Man,' Lister enthused, flapping his hand like a 14 year old imitating his favourite rap star, 'I've managed to permanently delete the cyanide speech, and I got rid of all the adverts and cartoons as well."

    "You did WHAT?' asked the Cat, rearing back in dismay, 'but the only reason I agreed to come on this trip was because I wanted to see the next episode of Danger Mouse!" He punched his right fist into the palm of his left hand in a macho display of frustration. "Now how am I gonna find out if the little hamster dude ever gets his eyebrows back from the evil frog dude?" he mumbled to himself disconsolately. 

    "Toad" said Lister absently, whilst concentrating on the matchstick he was using to re-arrange some complex bits of wiring. 

"Say what?" asked the Cat; already feeling more than a little putout, he was now unsure if he had just been insulted or not.

    Lister sighed and tried to explain. "I said 'Toad'. Silas Greenback, the 'evil frog dude', is a toad. Penfold, the 'little hamster dude', he's a…" He paused; forehead wrinkled in bemusement, and rubbed the matchstick across an eyebrow thoughtfully. "Actually', he admitted, 'I'm not really sure what Penfold is, but I don't think he's a hamster. What do you think Rimmer?"

    Rimmer, sitting with one leg neatly crossed over the other in the seat nearest the doorway, initially looked vaguely surprised to have been addressed in the first place. However, as he slowly reviewed the absurdity of the conversation in his head, an expression of utter disdain began distorting his features, until he looked as if he thought that something unpleasant was trying to crawl up his nose. "Lister,' he enquired in a deceptively mild tone, 'do you REALLY want me to answer that question? I mean, I would be more than happy to oblige, but as you tell me this is only a two flick journey, and also bearing in mind that the pair of you couldn't scrape together enough brain cells between you to win a battle of wits with a gooseberry crumble, we may not have quite enough time."

    "Oh why don't you just Smeg off, Rimmer,' replied Lister, slightly hurt, 'I was only trying to involve you in the conversation." He shook his head at his own stupidity, Rasta locks swishing against leather-clad shoulders, "I guess I should know better by now."

    "Anyway,' Lister continued, looking back up at the Cat, 'I HAD to cut the cartoons, it's the only way I could fit in the Steve McQueen double bill. I checked with Holly to see how long the journey to Deck Five will take, and it was the only way to be sure." He tapped a final button then sat back and slammed the panel shut with a satisfied "yes!" before grabbing the chair's backrest and levering himself upright. He leapt enthusiastically out from behind the seating units and clapped the Cat on the shoulder.

    "You're gonna love it, Man!' he assured the dubious feline, 'I've lined us up a couple of classics!"      "Oh, yeah?' asked the Cat, taking a step away from Lister and pointedly brushing down the sleeve of his jacket where the grubby human had profaned his person, 'better than Danger Mouse?" It was obvious from the look on his face that the Cat found this rather difficult to believe.

    Lister clapped his hands together and a huge grin split his face. 

    "Oh yeah! You're eyeballs are gonna thank me, believe it! Holly has managed to re-construct some of those corrupted entertainment files we found in that historical data-base we recovered a couple of months back. Along with all the boring stuff there were hundreds of classic movie vids. I managed to find two of my favourites. 

    First up we have the B-movie to end all B-movies…' he paused for a moment to build up the tension, rubbing his hands together in anticipation, then announced, 'The Blob!" The Cat's blank gaze didn't adequately convey the impression of someone that is particularly impressed, so Lister hurried on with his spiel. "But that's only for starters Man,' he assured the recalcitrant feline, 'the main event is a movie that is just gonna blow you away! A hard hitting story of betrayal and revenge... 'Bullitt' It's totally BRUTAL, Man, a cinematic masterpiece! This film contains the all time best car chase sequence in…" He stopped momentarily, whirling his arm around as if trying the crank the ignition on an appropriate superlative, then shrugged, "well, in all time, I guess."

    Much to Lister's frustration, the Cat still didn't look hooked, so Lister pulled out his trump card. "It's Steve McQueen, Man! The guy who was cool before anybody knew what cool was! He smeggin' invented it!" The Cat folded his arms and nodded knowledgably. "That's as may be, Bud,' he replied, although his expression clearly indicated that he was reserving judgment on THAT particular statement, 'but before I commit any of my valuable time to watching this 'cinematic masterpiece', just answer me one question."

    "Shoot." Lister invited with a 'bring it on' gesture of his hands, trying not to laugh as the Cat eyed him skeptically.

    "What's a car?" asked the Cat.

    Lister flicked a look at Rimmer, who sat shaking his head in silent amusement, before returning his attention to the Cat. "Oh, I get it,' he began, 'since your ENTIRE species evolved on Red Dwarf, and you've never actually even SEEN Earth, it makes sense that you wouldn't know what a car is." He directed a 'so there' glower towards the sniggering hologram, then furrowed his brows as he tried to formulate a description. He began making vague box shape motions with his hands as he explained to the Cat. "A car is a sort of a… it's a sort of metal box with a wheel at each corner, with its own engine. The engine made the wheels go round and that would make the car move, so people used to travel around in them."

    "That's right! I remember now!" snapped Rimmer, startling both the Cat and Lister as he leapt to his feet, 'I know all about cars, I saw a program about commuting in the 21st Century once!" He looked about to expound further, so Lister interrupted, just for the sake of it. "Oh yeah?' he asked irreverently, 'what was it called?"

    "Commuting in the 21st Century" Rimmer responded irritably, 'it was on the education channel, and there weren't any topless female zero-G kick-boxers in it, so you probably would have missed it." He manfully put the interruption behind him and continued. "Maaaaaaarvelous machines they were! They had cars with air conditioning, central heating, automatic windows, fully fitted interiors, and quadraphonic sound systems! It must have been like traveling to work in your own front room!" He gazed enraptured into his memory, but then raised a finger. "No! Better than that! It must have been like traveling to work in somebody else's front room. Somebody who got paid a lot more money than you. Somebody who had a bigger CD collection, and better taste in soft furnishings." He smiled wistfully to himself, shaking his head at such unashamed luxury.

    Lister gazed with mild contempt at 'Old Iron Balls' then turned back to the Cat, grinning. "Yeah,' he agreed conspiratorially, 'they used to put them on the roads in the olden days to stop motorbikes going too fast." He nodded in confirmation as the Cat speared him with a quizzical glance. The Cat mulled this over for a few moments. "If that's so,' he said eventually, 'I need to ask just one more question." 

He studied Lister speculatively before leaning closer and asking, "What's a road?"

***

    "I knew it was all going too well', Lister thought to himself as he looked at the smoldering remains of the control panel that he had 'modified'. Indeed, everything had been proceeding even better than planned, a truly rare occurrence on the Red Dwarf.

    Bob the scutter had arrived exactly on time towing a cart laden with Lister's emergency back-up supplies; a four-pack of lager, some reading material, six popadums accompanied by a bag of onion salad, and a large drink carton containing Lister's latest liquid invention. Bob had also been clutching a print-out from Holly reminding them that he would not be able to monitor their progress, or even contact them, once they had passed deck Eight.

    Since the repair and reconnection of Holly's communications systems on the lower decks had been one of the primary reasons that Kryten had set off on his exploration in the first place, Lister thought nothing of this, and dismissed Bob with a cheery wave once he had unloaded the cart.

    All in all, Lister had been feeling very pleased with himself when he finally instructed the lift to begin its descent. He had plenty of snacks and beer, and some good movies to watch: the Cat seemed to be awaiting the show with anticipation, and even Rimmer was sulking and ignoring them both, which was better than having to listen to him being obnoxious.

    Then the control panel had exploded.

    Rimmer and the Cat leapt from their seats with alacrity, and Lister dived for the extinguisher under his. He only had to thump it against the deck six times before a spray of foam burst from the nozzle, and he directed this towards the blaze. Well, the fizzle.

       Now Lister could only flick his attention disconsolately from the few pathetic tendrils of dissipating smoke wisping out from beneath the turgid glob of coolant foam, and the huge view screen set into the wall of the elevator. Instead of the expected display of Steve 'the Man' McQueen in glorious Technicolor, all it was now capable of showing was a nauseating wall of static interference.

    "That should not have happened, Man', complained Lister, 'I mean, I did exactly what Holly told me to. It wasn't supposed to blow up!"

    "Was it not? Really?' enquired Rimmer in a falsetto trill. "Well, all I can say is thank God that you weren't messing about with anything really important!" 

    "Like repairing a loose drive-plate, you mean?" Lister asked innocently, before slumping back down into his seat and picking up a magazine, determined to make the best of a bad lot.

    "This sucks!" declared the Cat. Reaching into his jacket he retrieved an exquisite miniature cushion in purple plush and placed it on his shoulder. Glaring pointedly at Lister he proclaimed, "I'm taking a nap! Don't wake me up until we get to wherever it is that we're going." A slow smile of satisfaction spread over his face as he sank his head onto the cushion and was instantly asleep.

    Rimmer leant over and scrutinized the reclining feline, shook his head wonderingly, and then slumped back into his seat. "How does he do that?" he winged in irritation, flicking a wounded glare in Lister's direction. "Do what?" enquired Lister, glancing up from his Zero-G football mag in mild curiosity before retrieving his mega-bucket sized drink carton from the floor beside him.

    "Fall asleep!" Rimmer replied, waving a hand towards the Cat then snapping his fingers, 'just like that! No tossing and turning, no counting Dallas City Cowboy cheerleaders, no relaxation through self-hypnosis and aromatherapy – he doesn't even need to be in a bed!" Lister stifled a laugh, trying not to choke on his drink, and then shrugged. "He's a cat, Man! That's what cats do!"  He took another pull on the straw and raised his eyebrows appreciatively.

    Rimmer shook his head in disgust. "It's just not fair,' he moaned. "YOU don't fall asleep until you've consumed at least six Wicked-Strength lagers, usually in combination with a double helping of the hottest curry available followed by a raw chilly desert! I can't get to sleep because I have to listen to your stomach trying to cope with the dietary equivalent of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Arnold stood up and tried pacing on the spot to relieve a tension headache he was pretty sure he would be developing shortly.

    "It just gives me the creeps' that's all,' he tried to explain, 'watching his ears twitch back and forth like that. They're like defective radar dishes, constantly scanning."

    "Just because I'm asleep,' drawled the Cat from the depths of his slumber, 'doesn't mean that I'm deaf." "You see what I mean!' Rimmer cried, swinging round to appeal to Lister, 'it's just not natural! I hate being around him when he's asleep!" Arnold tried to restore some decorum to his posture, but it was ruined when an involuntary shudder ran down his spine. "I always feel like his ears are following me around the room."

    Lister took another healthy slurp from his over-sized drink carton and smacked his lips in satisfaction. Rimmer shook his head in dismayed curiosity. "What kind of milkshake is that, anyway?' he asked in a tone that implied that he didn't really want to know the answer, 'It looks absolutely repulsive!"

    "Steak and kidney pie flavour,' Lister replied, carefully lifting the lid off the carton a fraction to peer inside, 'doesn't look that bad. See?"  He offered the carton towards Rimmer, who scooted back onto his seat in alarm. "Steak and kidney pie flavour milkshake?" he asked in disbelief.

    Lister looked thoughtfully at the turgid brown liquid as he absently stirred it with the straw. "Well,' he said, removing the lid and straw to examine them critically, 'it's not so much a milkshake, more of a smoothie. Y'see, I just bunged a pie in the blender, added a pint and a half of Guiness, a tablespoon of brown sauce, and hit liquidize.' He licked the end of the straw, and then waved it around ruminatively, as if he was a wine taster trying to chase down the vintage of a particularly fine Claret. "It's not quite right yet,' he opined, 'I think I need to add a touch more brown sauce next time, or maybe a dash of Tabasco."

    "Un-smegging-believable!" Rimmer sighed, 'it's a tragic loss to medical science that nobody ever made a serious study of your stomach lining. Just think, if they had managed to reproduce it synthetically, they could have put the Antacid people out of business! Hell, they probably could have sold it to the Space Corps to coat the heat shields on atmospheric re-entry vehicles!"

    "Come on guys,' Lister appealed, 'Kryten's been exploring the lower decks of Red Dwarf for the last six weeks; are you not even slightly interested in what he's found?" The Cat didn't even bother to wake up from his snooze, but he raised a finger and grinned, "Yes, I am not even slightly interested!" 

    Rimmer pulled a face at the Cat, and then made a show out of considering the question. His mouth sculpted into a caricatured moue and eyebrows in full concentration mode, he put his hands out palm up in an impression of balancing scales. 

    "We –eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllll,' he brayed, extending his vowels mercilessly, 'taking into account the fact that Kryten is nothing more than an automated toilet attendant; a lobotomized lavatory lackey whose service history is about as up to date as a Norwegian pop band..." Rimmer favored Lister with his best emphatic stare before returning his attention to his hands, still juggling imaginary conundrums. "Taking THAT into account, whilst also bearing in mind that this vessel was the space-faring equivalent of a clapped out heap that the junkyard dog had used as a latrine_ even before it got an additional three million miles on the clock_…_" _

    Rimmer paused, taking a deep breath to help him recover from the preceding diatribe, and then thrust his hands firmly under his armpits. "No!" He yelped decisively.

    Lister grinned. "Be fair guys,' he implored, 'according to his message, Kryten has been to parts of the ship that I didn't even know existed!"

    "Well that's hardly surprising,' smirked Rimmer snidely, peering down his nose from beneath half-closed eyelids, 'there are parts of your own ROOM you didn't even know existed!" His supercilious sidelong sneer expanded as he glanced casually away from Lister and murmured _Sotto Voce, 'the personal sanitation unit springs to mind, oddly enough."_

    "This,' thought Lister 'is going to be a long trip.

***

    Kryten could hardly contain his anticipation as he waited for the Xpress Lift containing his crew-mates. This extended sortie into the bowels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Red Dwarf had been thoroughly worthwhile, and he was itching to share his discoveries with the others.

    Quite apart from managing to re-initialize a good number of Holly's faulty communications and monitoring stations, Kryten had been able to indulge himself in tidying up some of the several millennia's worth of dust, debris, and detritus that had accumulated in the lower levels. Bliss!

    Admittedly, it had been a little difficult getting a message through to the others via Holly, as the last comms unit Kryten had managed to fully repair was several decks up, but it had been worth the effort just to hear how excited and enthusiastic Mr. Lister had become at the potential adventure. The poor man must have been going spare with just the Cat and Mr. Rimmer for company!

    Kryten puttered about the hallway happily, trying to sort out in his mind just what he would show the others first – everything was going just splendidly!

***

    Lister was bored.

    He had tired of reading his magazines, and his attempt to hypnotize himself to sleep by staring fixedly at the static washing across the damaged view-screen was singularly unsuccessful. This was made even more irritating by the ease with which the Cat was able to sleep, and to make matters yet worse, Rimmer was indulging in another of his strange pastimes.

    The hologram was perched on the edge of his chair in the lotus position, his hands resting on his lap palms upwards. Thankfully, the procedure did not appear to involve any chanting or other noises, but the bizarre expression on his face was doing Lister's head in. He was unable to contain himself any longer, and leaned forward to enquire just what the smeg he was doing.

    "Lister', replied Rimmer in a tone intended to convey infinite patience towards those less fortunate than oneself, 'I know you are only trying to annoy me, and I'm telling you that it won't work. I am rapidly approaching a different level."

   "We're all approaching a different level you smeghead', Lister sniped, 'we're in a smegging lift! I just want to know what you're doing, and why you look like a constipated hippo that's just had his first dump in three weeks!

    To his credit, Rimmer's expression of artificial bliss did not falter, and he replied in an admirably calm fashion. "Well Listy, as you well know, I have been studying the mysteries of hologramatic meditation techniques. You can't irritate me whilst I am in this state; my mind is on a different plane!"

    Lister favored the smug git with an incredulous look before replying. "Yeah, and it crashed and burned immediately after take off if your face is anything to go by!" 

    Fortunately the in-lift announcement system chose this moment to ping out chirpily, indicating their imminent arrival at the requested deck. "Yes!" yelled Lister, jumping up and punching the air in delight, 'at smegging last! Wake up Cat, stop dicking about Rimmer – we're here!"

***

    Kryten was delighted to see the indicator light announcing the arrival of the Xpress lift; in fact he found it quite difficult to contain himself as the doors swooshed open and his compatriots began to emerge. Still, he did manage to constrain himself to a heartfelt "welcome to deck five, Sirs!" rather than jumping up and down on the spot, as he had feared he might. The mechanoid hadn't realized quite how much he had missed the rest of the crew.

    The first words out of the Cats mouth almost dampened Kryten's enthusiasm. "What is that terrible smell?" the feline exclaimed with a screwed up face, looking around the dingy hallway in dismay. "I can't smell anything', Lister offered as he also looked around, breathing deeply, 'well, other than the usual Red Dwarf smell that is."

    "These nostrils do not lie, buddy', the Cat affirmed indignantly, 'and I am telling you. If I stepped in something down here, I wouldn't touch my boots for weeks in case I caught something nasty and important bits of me started to drop off!"

    Rimmer stuck his head out of the lift entrance and took a cautious sniff. He didn't appear to notice anything so shot a quizzical glance towards Kryten. The flustered mechanoid shuffled forward to re-assure everyone that they were in no danger.

    "If I may, Sirs, I believe the Cat is quite correct about the odor, but it does not present a threat to our well-being. The reason he is able to detect it, yet you do not, is simply that it is a residue from long ago, and only Mr. Cat's superior olfactory excellence enables him to smell it all. It is, in fact, one of many fascinating discoveries that I have made whilst exploring the ships nether regions, and something that you will find most interesting!"

    The others regarded Kryten dubiously as he took a pause for breath, but consented to follow him as he indicated down the corridor. It was the usual mining ship décor, industrial modular combined with abandoned junkyard. Lots of metal grill floor-plates, the usual smattering of echoing metal staircases and walkways, and the occasional dubious looking doorway leading off into mystery.

    Kryten kept up a running commentary as he guided his friends through several twisting passageways, evidently keen that they should share his enthusiasm for his discoveries. "I have stumbled across a most remarkable device in one of the rooms that I believe to be a research lab.

On downloading and accessing the schematics and research notes, I surmised that this machine is a highly advanced portable scanner; it would come in most handy in any future forays."

    Lister glanced over with the first stirrings of interest evident in his eyes. "What's so special about this scanner then?" Kryten stopped beside a doorway and tapped in the opening sequence with a flourish. "If you would care to step the way Mr. Lister Sir, I will be only too happy to demonstrate!"

    Lister stepped through the doorway as Kryten had invited, closely followed by the Cat. Kryten offered to allow Rimmer through next but the hologram shook his head decisively and only entered once the mechanoid had also gone through. The room was fairly large, with workbenches backing against most of the walls, and it did seem somewhat cleaner than the hallways leading up to it.

    "Ah yes Mr. Lister Sir', Kryten responded to Lister's raised eyebrow and appreciative expression, 'I gave the place a quick tickle around once I contacted you. I simply haven't had a chance to make a start on the hallways down here yet."

    "Well I say it smells worse in here than it did out there – what kind of stuff did they do in this place?" the Cat complained, rubbing his nose fastidiously. "No need for alarm Mr. Cat Sir, this is indeed the location of the residue that you noticed before, and I shall endeavor to explain the possible origins in due course, but first I would like to show Mr. Lister something else." Kryten turned towards Lister and indicated one of the workbenches not too far from the doorway.

    The Cat suddenly let rip with a huge sneeze; a jaw-stretching, eye-watering, nasal-passage-lacerating ejaculation that clearly took him by surprise, as he made no attempt to restrain it. A glistening glob of matter rocketed across the room to splat onto Lister's sleeve.

     "Thanks Cat!' Lister wailed, jumping back far too late to avoid being hit, 'that's like, totally gross Man!" He began scooping up the glutinous mess with a diligent finger, preparatory to flicking it back at the offending feline. Suddenly he yelled out in pain, causing Rimmer to leap behind Kryten; evidently intending to protect the mechanoids back from any danger that might sneak up whilst everyone else was looking at Lister.

    "It bit me Man!" exclaimed Lister in disbelief, flicking his finger vigorously to dislodge the obnoxious article. It landed on the metal-grilled floor with a plop, and began to quiver. It seemed pretty annoyed. Kryten, Lister, and the Cat all began to edge towards the gelatinous blob cautiously. Rimmer, finding himself exposed, began to edge further away. "It's some kind of Snot Goblin!" exclaimed the Cat, squinting.

    "Snot Goblin?' ridiculed Rimmer, backing yet further away, 'what the Smeg is a Snot Goblin? It sounds like one of Lister's less endearing childhood pastimes!" "I dunno, Man,' replied Lister as he lowered himself to his knees, 'but I think it's pissed off about something." "Indeed Sir,' Kryten agreed, as he too crouched to examine the phenomenon, 'I can't be sure, but I believe it is attempting to communicate with us!"

    By now Lister, Kryten, and the Cat were all kneeling on the floor, their heads lowered even further as they tried to make out details of the tiny creature. It was no longer just a shapeless glistening mess, it was now a shapeless glistening mess with arms and legs, and it was pacing the floor and waving those arms in a remarkably good impression of a temper tantrum. With their faces only a few inches from the 'snot goblin', Lister, Kryten, and the Cat exchanged mystified glances.

    Rimmer, who had been hovering nervously at the perimeter of events, nearly had a most uncharacteristic panic attack when Lister suddenly launched himself into the air with a high pitched scream. The Cat and Kryten both turned to follow his progress, identical expressions of shock and surprise stitched across their features. Lister staggered around dizzily, his hands clasped to his face. "Aaaarrgghh!' he explained to the petrified Rimmer, then, 'Aaaaaarrrrgghh!" he repeated, just to be sure the hologram understood.

    Kryten raised himself upright somewhat jerkily, and then fussed over to the distraught human. "If you could just tell us what the matter is Sir; I'm afraid it happened so fast my visual processors couldn't cope."

"You had to ask." The Cat grumbled, his eyes flicking from Lister to a spot of the floor that seemed rather conspicuously empty.

    "It's gone up me nose, Man!' Lister yelled frantically, 'it's gone up me Smeggin' nose!"  He managed to calm himself slightly and lowered his hands from his face. Taking a couple of deep breaths through his mouth he looked decisively at the fluttering mechanoid. "Well, no smegger is claiming squatter's rights to my left nostril!" he vowed.

    Kryten looked on apprehensively as Lister licked his lips and rubbed his hands together; then raised his left forefinger and scrutinized it like a surgeon examining his instruments before a particularly tricky bypass operation. "Are you sure this is wise Sir?" Kryten enquired tentatively, 'shouldn't we at least TRY to discuss the situation with the little chap first?"

    Lister threw a chiding glance Kryten's way, then with a defiant roar of, "get out me nose ya smegger!" he jammed his finger up the aforementioned organ and began rooting around. Rimmer had taken the opportunity to once more retreat to a safe distance, but the Cat now sauntered over to watch Lister's antics in fascination. The monkey was frowning in concentration as he jabbed his finger deeper, then his eyes lit with triumph as the digit met an obstruction. "Ha!' he exclaimed, 'I've gotcha now, ya smegger!"

    However, as he began scouring the interior of his nose in a vigorous attempt to evict the unwelcome guest, a perplexed bemusement washed through his eyes. His expression registered merely abstract puzzlement at first; but this was followed almost immediately by outright alarm, as the finger was suddenly yanked further up his nose. "Aaaarrgghh!" he cried in alarm, his gaze darting from Kryten to the Cat in panic, 'it's got me finger!" 

    "Ah,' Rimmer commented unhelpfully, 'the bogy fights back! I've always wondered how you would fare in bout of fisticuffs with someone your exact equal in physical prowess!" Lister ignored him, going cross-eyed as he concentrated on the bizarre struggle. He wrapped his right hand around his left wrist in an attempt to gain more leverage and strained to pull his finger out of his nose. Given that the 'snot goblin' seemed equally determined not to relinquish its hold, this resulted in a most peculiar tug-of-war, with Lister's entire upper body rocking back and forth in time to the heaves.

    The Cat, totally delighted with this unexpected entertainment, grinned widely as he swiveled his head back and forth like the proverbial spectator at a tennis tournament. He raised his eyebrows at Kryten to see if he was enjoying it too, but the mechanoid was hiding his face in his hands and shaking his head, completely at a loss as to how he could intervene.

    The Cat returned his attention to the monkey just in time to see Lister arch backwards painfully. He was still desperately yanking at his arm, but the finger seemed to have the upper hand. "Don't just stand there!' he appealed to the Cat, 'help me!" The Cat crossed his arms and smiled back politely with an inquisitively raised eyebrow. 

    It was worth the wait. From a position not dissimilar to that of a limbo dancer attempting look up a midget's skirt, Lister's body suddenly surged dramatically forward, almost doubling up. In a flawlessly smooth continuation of the motion, however, his lower body and legs launched into the air, rotating about the pivot point of his head; Lister was actually performing a perfectly executed somersault! It would have been even more impressive if he hadn't landed flat on his back with enough force to drive all the air from his lungs, but still...

    "Yeeeeeaaaaoooowww!' the Cat applauded enthusiastically, 'that was HOT man! What is it, some new kind of dance move? Whaddaya do for an encore?" "Help me!" Lister croaked from the floor, now reaching with his free hand towards Kryten in a desperate entreaty. The android attempted to comply, but he wasn't fast enough. Just as he began to reach out for Lister's outstretched hand, the human screeched once more as his head was forced down and he began sliding rapidly across the floor on his back. The phenomenal rate of his progress was only halted by the convenient presence of the far wall, which he managed to locate with his head.

    "Not bad!' commented the Cat, still visibly impressed, 'the old 'sliding across the floor with no visible means of propulsion' trick! I've seen it done before,' he hedged, 'but never with quite so much style."

    Kryten rushed over to examine Lister, convinced that, were he actually capable of such a function, then he would probably be wetting himself by now. "Mr. Lister Sir!' he cried in alarm, 'are you alright?"

    Lister's only response was a strangled "Gnnnyaaaaarggghhh!" as he was unceremoniously shunted up the wall until he was dangling with his feet barely touching the floor, most of his weight supported by the finger up his nose. "Do something Man!" he begged the flustered mechanoid, an expression of abject despair barely visible through the tears of pain leaking down his face. Kryten dithered nervously for a second or two, and then apprehensively ventured, "Er, might I suggest that you change your approach to the situation, Sir? I mean, clearly you are unable to fight this creature on anything approaching an equal basis – Ah, perhaps a truce might be in order?"

    "You want me to negotiate terms with a lump of mucus?" Lister asked in disbelief, then he screamed again as he was lifted entirely of the floor. His face contorted in agony, he began slapping his free hand against the wall. "Okay, okay!' he shrieked, 'you win! Uncle! Uncle! I surrender! I surrender!" Kryten beamed as the hold on Lister seemed to be released and he slid down the wall again until he could support himself on his own two feet. 

    Lister cautiously began to extract his finger from his nose, an expression mixing both relief and astonishment eclipsing his features as he realized that he was no longer trapped. He gawped at the freed digit in apparent amazement then relaxed back to rest his bum against the wall. "Well Kryten,' he petitioned the android as he leant over and placed a hand on each knee to regain his composure, 'what's the next move?"

    Kryten bent down so that he could speak into Lister's ear. "Well Sir, it does seem that the little fellow is amenable to reasoned entreaties, perhaps you would allow me to attempt to establish a rapport with your nasal interloper?" Lister gave a resigned nod of permission.

    By this time the Cat, and even Rimmer, had moved closer to the pair in curiosity. They exchanged fleeting looks of bemusement as Kryten bent down even further and began speaking up Lister's nose. "We mean you no harm, Mr. Snot Goblin Sir,' he stated in his most reassuring manner, 'this is all just a small misunderstanding. I'm sure that, should you assent to engaging with us in a mutually enlightening exchange of views and information, then we will be able to arrive at a conclusion that will satisfy the requirements of all parties involved."

    "What the Smeg does all that mean?" Lister asked, going cross-eyed as he tried to look down his nose at the mechanoid. "Please Sir,' Kryten shushed him, 'allow your small guest the opportunity to respond." The android's boxy features were locked in an expression of sincere attentiveness as he gazed raptly up the human's left nostril.

    After a few moments of total silence, Rimmer folded his arms across his chest and leant his weight on one leg disdainfully. "It's not quite the Treaty of Versailles, is it, Ambassador Flush-O-Matic?" Kryten looked embarrassed, but tried again anyway. "Mr. Snot Goblin Sir. I'm sure that a reasoned discourse is the most profitable employment of our time, if you could just give us some indication that you are willing to respond?"

    He continued to stare up Lister's nose hopefully until forced to back away as the human stood fully upright, slamming both hands into the wall behind him in frustration. "This is Smeggin' useless!' he proclaimed bitterly, 'and besides that, I feel like a total tit with you peering up my nose like that! I'm getting out of here!" The Cat, Rimmer, and Kryten all turned to follow his progress as the thoroughly pissed-off Lister began stomping towards the rooms exit door. Kryten ran after him jerkily, waving his arms in barely concealed alarm.

    "Do you really think that is the best course of action Sir? We have no idea what that life form is, or what it wants, or even where it came from!" His headlong rush was brought short as Lister turned in the doorway and pointed a quivering finger at him.

        "I know EXACTLY where it came from Kryten!" he snarled. "But Sir!' Kryten prevaricated desperately, 'you know that that is not what I mean. I am referring to the larger scope of enquiry, the 'big picture', as it were." Lister leant against the doorframe in barely concealed fury. "The 'big picture' from my point of view, Kryten,' he hissed 'is that something that came out of HIS nose...'     He paused, raising an arm to point at the Cat, 'has decided to take residence up MY nose, and is proving harder to get rid of than a Jehovah Witness!" He slammed a finger-less gloved hand into the doorframe before backing out of the room. "I'm getting as far away from here as possible before he decides to take a dump!

***


End file.
